all these years, and I’m still as rubbish a student as I ever was

Ah Hellday is here, when all the clinics are on at once and there are divers alarums and excursions all over, but it is not so bad because tomorrow marks the start of the weekend, which I have been plunging desperately towards like a drowning woman sighting the shore. Also, it is not so bad because I’m not having a horrific anxiety attack like the one I had last Hellday (at the time, I hoped it marked an end to this glandular fever bout, because for weeks, I haven’t had the strength to panic). Also, it was not so bad, despite Dr Anonymous’s car breaking down, so he was two hours late. Odd.

Also it is not so bad because today is Pay Day! Which makes sod-all difference to me, because I am still cashcard-less and can’t spend any of it even if I wanted to. Which I don’t – I don’t even dare check the balance.

Tonight, despite being on Financial Terror Alert: Brown (trousers), I went for a wee cheap glass of red on the way home so I could do some sums in peace in the pub. Yeah, go me, back into all my old bad studying habits. But, I have nobly brought in sarnies and bought practically nothing to eat all week, so I have virtuously saved this money! Therefore, I deserve to Spend it on a treat! And that is why I will never be rich.

Besides, (she says, making excuses) at home I keep having the urge to check my email or clean things instead of studying – when you find yourself prowling the flat with a ancient tin of Brasso to see if maybe you own any brass that needs polished, even though you know fine that you don’t, you really are in trouble – and in the pub, there are none of these distractions. And the other punters in this pub are good at minding their own business, and the music is not quite to my taste – ah yes, how many months of my life did I spend ‘studying’, when this translated as, ‘what a good song, I think I’ll stop and listen to it. And now, I think I’ll listen to it again.’

At least, these days, time is not wasted trying to rewind the tape to the exact right moment.

Sodding baltic tonight, however. When I got in and attempted to study some more in my bedroom, I had to stop because I could no longer hold the pen. I tried again in gloves, but then the ink started refusing to come out. Right. Look at the categories – no housework before the equations are finished! Time to shift the centre of operations to the studio, methinks, which is Bad because that is where the internet lives. But I shut the laptop and hid it under a pile of books and worked till the equations were done. And done wrong, too. Bah.

So, I went to bed. At eight at night, because my brain hurt. Dammit, maybe this virus is still kicking around after all! Still, that’s the first time this week, things are improving!


About beshemoth

Mainly making art, making wine, writing and gardening. Having a life only as the above allows.
This entry was posted in cheese with that?, the fear of all sums. Bookmark the permalink.

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